It dawned on me as I missed the opportunity of asking out an
attractive girl (whom I know is interested in me) while I was at the gym today…

 

“I’ll
talk to her later I thought.”

 

Some time later…

 

“In
a few more minutes…”

 

And finally…

 

“Awwww
shit! She left! I’m a dummy…”

 

Kicking myself in the ass, I started to think,

 

“Oh
well… who cares. She was probably busy tonight anyway.”

 

Now pumped and wanting to make plans still… I go through my
phone to make other arrangements… and I realize… wow… I’ve got nobody to call.

 

Ok. That’s really a lie. I could call one of a dozen people…
I could call the drunks… maybe even the cokeheads… or one of the many couples I
know to hang out… but frankly I’m getting tired of the stupid frat boy drunken
nights, I hate the vile lifestyle of the cokeheads, and more yet,  the pressure of hanging out with couples is starting
to wear on me.

 

It’s sad… get obliterated or hang out with my buddies and
their significant others. Haha.

 

That’s when it hit me… no wonder I live in the past. I
realized that for a long time now I’ve lost the sense of living life and in her
stead have slipped conformably into living my life through past memories. I go
on daytoday miserable comparing everything from my current quality of life to
even the quality of woman I know from my past to now. I know it’s not fair to compare
things to nostalgic memories, but it sure is a hell of a lot easier avoiding
everything and blaming life for rotten daily occurrences.

 

There are the places I used to work, or the weekend
vacations I used to take… the groups of friends that would all gather on the
weekends and the fun times I used to have just hanging back at my old
apartment. I’m haunted by my past!

 

So I haven’t been on a date in over a year… there was a time
where I had more women than I could manage calling me to go out… haha… part of
it is I’ve been holding out on a love that I thought could be rekindled… but I’m
a dummy. She moved on a long time ago and I’ve been stuck on the memories.

In the end I need to ask myself. So what?  All these things were years ago. Nothing stays
the same… food spoils… structures crumble and I’m not the same kind of man then
as I am today. Why then should I live in my own shadow?

 

I need to make new memories. I need to relearn to live. I
need to meet new people.

 

 

My birthday was last week. I’m now 26 but for some reason feel
like I’m 16 again; unsure about the world, self conscious and weird. Haha.

 

 

 

-J