August 8, 2006

• Day
  1

  I
  don’t know how to begin… I’ve rewritten the first few lines of whatever this is
  going to be many times over the last half hour…. But I guess in the end it
  really doesn’t matter.

  All
  day today I have been reliving the “stuff” of the past and have been coming to
  unacceptable conclusions. I have been avoiding so much of my past that I’ve
  become delusional, misinterpreting certain memories… bending them in my mind
  consciously or unconsciously so that I can justify myself and actions. But I
  suppose that is the purpose of the devil within which fuels my pride.

  The
  topic of question was alcohol and the problems in my life that have perpetuated
  from my drinking. Now isn’t the time for the mistakes I’ve made or the
  repercussions of certain actions… getting to them isn’t the point of what I
  want to achieve here today. Perhaps in time I’ll get to it.

  I
  am a writer. Writing is a release for me. I don’t care if it’s good or bad… or
  if anyone reads. As long as I can put into writing my thoughts and feelings, I
  can let go of certain things I feel passionately about. All I have to do is
  learn to see things clearly in terms of my life, and report on them so. No
  excuses. No pulling punches. There is no room for anything but honest
  no-holes-barred truth as I begin this new path of self discovery. I will reveal
  this devil through my writing… in hopes to someday conquer this beast within.

  As
  I begin whatever journey I have now drunkenly stumbled upon, I can honestly say
  I fear what tomorrow brings. But with that fear is hope.

  After
  a much needed talk with an old friend and a new acquaintance tonight, I know
  I’m not alone. Our discussion left thoughts in my head and inspired me in this
  new endeavor. Haha… but that was short lived. No sooner was I on my way home
  than I started to conspire to hit the local all night bar for a few drinks.
  Lucky for me (unlucky for them) there was a bad car crash about a mile from my
  home. I counted about seven Palm Beach Gardens
  cops on scene. Cops on the road are the last thing I want to see right before
  downing a few, so I chose to go home. To further persuade me, at that instant
  it started pouring so hard I could barely see and had to slow my seed to about
  25. Funny thing is, it stopped raining once I got home.

  Within
  one night, I flip-flopped. Sigh. I can see it’s going to be easy for me to say
  I’m going change my life. But doing it is going to be hell.

  I
  learned tonight to take one day at a time. Today has been day 1.

  • 2:50 am
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